Spooker
A Force-of-Nature ***  
Member #: 932 Posts 624
Registered: 24-8-2004 Member Is Offline Mood: rattle dem bones
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| posted on 22-6-2011 at 07:36 |
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Ho ho ho, he he he I'm a laughing gnome and you cant catch me
5 days and no new posts - what is the world coming too!
Just to break the silence I thought I would write something.
As usual I have little of value to pass on - so I'll tell you me favourite joke instead.....
Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says "f*ck off - you won't bring it back".
You know INSTINCTively when you're living on the EDGE...
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col123
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| posted on 22-6-2011 at 15:13 |
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Taxi for spooker
To Infirmary and beyond..
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col123
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| posted on 22-6-2011 at 15:17 |
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ok jokes..
An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine
gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets.
. . . . . . . . . . ...
I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
.. . . . . . . . . ..
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
. . . . . . . . .. . . . ..
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes..............
Then a moment of pure inspiration........ McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
Because he was watching through the window.!
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
. . . .. . .. . . . . .
Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are
going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis
To Infirmary and beyond..
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col123
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| posted on 22-6-2011 at 15:19 |
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Had a curry last night, first time ever...
Had a curry last night, first time ever , curried pelican
tasted nice but the bill was enormous !
To Infirmary and beyond..
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col123
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| posted on 22-6-2011 at 15:21 |
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i thought Tony would be an ideal candidate for a new tv show. ...
Turns out programme is called fact hunt. .
oh well next time
To Infirmary and beyond..
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col123
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| posted on 22-6-2011 at 15:24 |
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and there's more..yes i'm bored
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
get an erection...but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Blow me, talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off
his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to
him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly
20 years "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but
the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're
pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some b*st*rd's sent me a magnifying glass!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was
petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says “yes I have, and I've been table ended
and backskuttled a few times too!”
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I
should change Dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said
“ I would like to come back as a cow.” “ I said you’re obviously not listening…!”
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “ I love you.” She said “ Is that you or the beer talking”
? I replied it's me talking to the beer.”
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes
back.
Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it
was.
To Infirmary and beyond..
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Spooker
A Force-of-Nature ***
Member #: 932 Posts 624
Registered: 24-8-2004 Member Is Offline Mood: rattle dem bones
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| posted on 22-6-2011 at 21:13 |
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WOW Col - so many words - you must have used up your entire vocabulary!! 
But then you might just have copied them from someone else 
You know INSTINCTively when you're living on the EDGE...
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justal
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| posted on 23-6-2011 at 06:51 |
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It has been a bit quiet - We'll have to restart the 'Word
Association Game' thread at this rate.
The wind has been good though, maybe everyone is out on the water and doesn't have time to post.
Saturday looks pretty good at the moment, plenty of wind and then a nice warm sunny Day on Sunday with wind again. Happy days!
Al.
URL: Pixelwave Design - Website Design Wales
Shop: Website Templates
Personal Weblog: A Simple Life of Luxury in West Wales
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bucski
A Force-of-Nature *** 
Member #: 275 Posts 622
Registered: 8-7-2003 Member Is Offline Mood: i'm never in a mood
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| posted on 23-6-2011 at 16:01 |
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C'mon Spooks, you gotta admit there was some pretty quality gags there, you're not going to let Col out do you surely?
Oh and I dreamt about this girl in a ocean of fanta last night, turns out it was just a fanta sea.
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Spooker
A Force-of-Nature ***
Member #: 932 Posts 624
Registered: 24-8-2004 Member Is Offline Mood: rattle dem bones
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| posted on 24-6-2011 at 07:11 |
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You're not wrong Tim, some quality material there - don't you have any of your own?? 
You know INSTINCTively when you're living on the EDGE...
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Spooker
A Force-of-Nature ***
Member #: 932 Posts 624
Registered: 24-8-2004 Member Is Offline Mood: rattle dem bones
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| posted on 24-6-2011 at 07:12 |
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You're not wrong Tim, some quality material there - don't you have any of your own??
You know INSTINCTively when you're living on the EDGE...
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Spooker
A Force-of-Nature ***
Member #: 932 Posts 624
Registered: 24-8-2004 Member Is Offline Mood: rattle dem bones
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| posted on 24-6-2011 at 07:12 |
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And yes - all good quips are worth repeating....
You know INSTINCTively when you're living on the EDGE...
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col123
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| posted on 24-6-2011 at 08:46 |
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all copied from ktm forum, you don't think i'd write that lot..
theres some funny stuff on there
[Edited on 24-6-2011 by col123]
To Infirmary and beyond..
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col123
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| posted on 24-6-2011 at 08:51 |
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Bloke trolls dating site.
v. funny
http://forum.breakbeat.co.uk/tm.aspx?m=1972451271&mpage=1 />
its OK it's clean
[Edited on 24-6-2011 by col123]
To Infirmary and beyond..
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bucski
A Force-of-Nature ***
Member #: 275 Posts 622
Registered: 8-7-2003 Member Is Offline Mood: i'm never in a mood
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| posted on 25-6-2011 at 18:29 |
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No quality gags from me, but I did find out how to delete my accidentally repeated posts
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Pixelwave Web Design.
justal@forces-of-nature.co.uk