quote:

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A chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day, lamenting the fact that
his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a 'guaranteed' weight loss program.
'Guaranteed my arse!', he thinks to himself, 'but let's see what
they think they can do'.

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 4 day, 10 pound
weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Well, without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his wicked way with her.
After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, 'I like
the way this company does business.'

For the next two days, the same girl shows up, and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure
enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his some what
slender physique, not to mention the method of 'treatment', he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound
weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5
days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their 'workout'
schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it, there stands a 22-year-old drop-dead gorgeous female,
dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign around her
neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever
seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads,'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

He's out the door like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape,
and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is
worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the
next four days....
For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time, much to his delight.
On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has
lost another 20 pounds.
'I love this company,' he thinks to himself,' I never knew losing
weight could be so easy and so much fun!'

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the company's 10 day, 50 pound weight loss program.
'Are you sure, sir?' asks the representative on the phone,'This
is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' says he, your program is great, I haven't felt this
good in years!'

The next day there comes a knock at his door and enthusiastically
he answers it.
There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man
dressed nothing but racing spikes, nipple clamps and around his
neck the sign reads,

'If I catch you, your sweet ass is mine.'

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Beer and Ice Cream Diet


As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12, 240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

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