Heres another thread to keep us amused during those periods with no wind or waves... Just post your favourite jokes!

Hers one to start it off.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1 : What's that?
Lady 2 : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1 : Where did you get it?
Lady 2 : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously
embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80
years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1 : Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says
you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well
it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tuts, taps his
watch and says,
"Damn thing's an hour fast."

A man was late for work and was going a little over the speed limit and passed a policeman with a radar gun
Needless to say he got pulled over by the policeman
Policeman : In a bit of a rush are we sir?
Driver: Yes officer Im late for work
Policeman : I can't see any job being that important for going that fast
Driver: I'm an asshole stretcher
police: A what?
Driver: an ass hole stretcher, first you put in one finger then 2 then 3, 4,5 whole hand til you end up with a 6ft ass hole!
Policeman: what do you do with a 6ft ass hole?
Driver: You give him a radar gun and a silly uniform and tell him to annoy drivers

what's long black and slides down nelson's column??



willie mandela!

two goldfish in a tank
one turns to the other and says
"do you know how to drive this thing?"

Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to

Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to comeover to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry?" says his Mum, "It's your fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!

Here's something to give you all a giggle on a Monday morning!

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C. came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he
rolled down his window and asked,
"Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied,
"The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening
to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one
believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection
between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except
his wealthy friends;
the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger,
and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he
made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 14 gallons ... but a lot of folks are still
siphoning."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."

Whats red and yellow and looks good on hippies?.......



......................... fire!

this one came to me from Craig so it's not my fault:
little jonny burst in to the bedroom,seeing his mum lying on top of his dad he asked what his mum was up to ?
she replied that she was trying to let down his dads huge stomach.
you are wasting your time replied jonny because when you go shopping the ladythe lady next door comes round kneels in front of dad and blows it back up again!