After a boozy night in Eygpt we came up with the idea of an "Ask Neil" thread as he's a wise dude. You can ask anyting you like here

I'll start,


Neil,

Was Captain hook a single handed sailor? its been bugging me for a while

Neil, My mountain bike keeps slipping out of gear when in front middle cog, and rear 2nd? Please advise o' wise one.

ahaa! the dunkster, always a clasique this one, it of course depends on how many crew were aboard.
alas shem; in order to avoid these tedious miss-haps, its obvious- always peddle backwards.

neil why do people keep asking silly questions

another one oh wise one..was it Als alter ego in eygpt or just dunks fiddler crab fantasy

to one as wise as the colonel all questions must appear silly

alas poor fiddler ; on the other hand!

why does graham always sleep in the car yet his arms arent as big as dunks

can i answer shems question..cause your fat

Well Col, Twch dyn pob sais. A cer adre y diawl tew!!

Feels better to have that off my chest.
hee hee.

[Edited on 16-2-2005 by shem]

How do they get the figs into the fig rolls Neil..?

Why is there never anything new in antique shops?

whys the top of the stairs called the landing

questions questions! one i have puzzeled on for a time: why when your hair stops growing on the top of your head does it start growing out of every other orafice; ears nose etc ummm now if anyone could answer that one a wise sage they would be.
actually shem probably answererd it, only he cant spell and so we cant understand what he said.

actually i think luke that they form the biscuit around the growing fig trees and the clever bit is getting out the tree and leaving the fig.

master dunkster , twas a wise man who opened the first antique shop no?

colonel, the landing is where the sand man sets down as you go to sleep, you could hardly expect him to land on bumpy stairs ,now could you.

why is it when shem knows the truth he talks welsh



p.s. hello luke

they apparently didnt get the + and - the correct way round when they wired up his forntal lobes.

Appears to be a gap in the Sage's database of answers here, Shem is referring to the Colonel as 'that fat english devil'...if my schoolboy Welsh serves me correctly. Of course I am a bit rusty (and not a true Welshman Neil), so he may have been asking for a date?

My kites seems to pull to the left, Ive checked my lines etc. Is there anything I can do?

swap hands at night...

ps hello Col, hope the foot gets better soon...

Ha Ha, Welcome Luke, How's the stomach?

seems like too many peeps are spending toooo much time on the net instead of working; and as for that Jones the outlaw from NOTTINGHAM!!!!!!!! well
see you this weekend,have finishe dthe bathroom !!!!!!!
up tomorrow

How many pairs in a bunch of grapes?

Hi Dunk, stomach fine, back on solids ... so to speak...

Hope anyone can join this thread - I need to ask Neil

How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?

aha a bit like crop circles, one minute there not and the next they are.

aha master dunkster; not got that problem myself but i am told if you bend down and use a mirror you should be able to count them!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Oh Wise One,

How do I remove the six points from my licence and then invent an invisible cloaking device for my new car so when I travel to borth I don't get apprehended by mr. plod?

Your sage wisdom would be welcome.

how do i stopped getting peed off already recovering from this injury...i think all diary entries should be banned until i'm fit to play

I agree Col!! I'm DESPARATE for a sail!!! Can't wait to get my new kties this next week...Next weekend will be up all weekend long..pray for wind yeehhhaaaa

Don't worry Col, I reckon Neil and the crew have frozen their nuggets off after today!

Actually it was a lovely sunny day most of the day and not that cold. Wind was a bit up and down though. Looks like the same again tomorrow as well, but tomorrow it should be cold..Looks like some decent NE's this week as well.... Nice 7am ealry morning starts while the air temp is still below freezing...Nice

Al.

Neil,

When will it get warmer?

ah mr dunkster; when you put on some clothing!

Tim no matter what car you drive you might still have the problem that it is toooooo fast; saw you blast past me on the m52 sunday.
you could always try driving everywhere in reverse and wear a mask then maybe the police wont see you, failling that you could always have your car painted to look like a police car and drive everywhere with the blue lights on!
how about valium? should slow you down a bit.

Neil,

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Spaghetti ?


I had some the other day and it was full of the letter O, am I just unlucky?




[Edited on 23-2-2005 by dunk]

those were spaghetti hoops you muppet

ah sadness colonel! we can but only conclude that he is suffering greatly from the fiddler syndrome and at long last it is turning the young master dunkster blind.

Neil, how do I stop my fish fingers sticking to the grill? I always end up loosing half the bread crumbs.

Looking good for tommorow, any one braving the cold with me??

Looks as though I shall have to work all day and then help my brother with a new website....
Neil, How can I pay the bills without going to work?

Al.

I tried the valium but that just confused me and I drove even faster. Though I could pull down the blue visor on my gath helmet, which might confuse mr plod - perhaps i could get derek to rig up some flashing blue lights on it - now that should do the trick!

Neilll I have a question for you... How old are you today??

Happy Birthday!

Al.

how old is neil today..his birth certificates in latin if that helps

Happy birthday Neil, I don't care what they all say about you, I think you are a sound man...

shem put your fish fingers on tinfoil primed with olive oil first.
thanks y'all for the birthday greetings.
ok i'm only 54 in your years but still 18 in mine!

HAPPY FRIKKING BIRTHDAY To MASTER BLueBeaRD!!! May the legend roll on..

OLD Neil, where do i put my new Storm3 pump?

keep it well hidden from the dunkkster , else god knows what he might get up to with it.

oh forgot to add; just in case anyone is eyeing up my kites etc,the average age of my ancesters is about 100, my last grandma died at 104 and that was only becasuse she got tripped up by some old codgers' walking stick!!!!!!!! see you around for a long time dudes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

neil why did nick go pale at the NEC today, and why were the pies crap us being professional pie testers and all that..

this is the reason nick is so pale; caught on camera this very afternoon signing away his savings to join the borth massif van club- AND WHAT A VAN!!!!! msee it it june and look forwatrd to the first beer in it!

oh dear the pies ; the colonel and myself were very un impredessed with the pies .
WHAT WAS WRONG?
easy col NOT ENOUGH LARD IN THEM!!!!!!!!

greetings everyone, finally got round to getting on the forums.
attached is a piccy of the van, v. excited, just got to wait until june for it to arrive, but that will give me a chance to find the cash anyway.
will hopefully be a bit more of a regular at the beach now!

another try at getting the piccy up

Nice Van Nick. Where you sleeping until June then?

Mneil way is it that when i'm up for a session on the water, i come down with a bloody cold and have to spend two days in bed!!!

dear Colonel
sorry to say that it might have something to do with the way you spell "way" why?

doh

now Colonel dont look too upset; i think those pies on the side of your head are aesthetically correct.

its a new idea i'm thinking of at the moment..carry you dinner on the side of your head then you'll have more time on the water..

also new tricks could be done including my signature move headspin to full pie bite combo

i take it there are no more questions then?

neil why are there no more questions

i think it must be beacuse people have ruun out of steam!

and itz about time!

well when the going gets tough, we know who to rely on then.